I Will Not Say Goodbye
by TheHappyLesbian
Summary: Songfic. The team's feelings after Director Shepard's death. Contains a hint of femslash. Rated T For Language


**Story: **I Will Not Say Goodbye  
**Rating: **T  
**Pairing: **Bit of Jenny/Ziva, cuz I just couldn't resist :)  
**Warnings: **Spoilers for Judgement Day/Bit of language?  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own. Belongs to DPB and CBS. Damn them.  
**Word Count: **2,407

_Another songfic. Not really a certian pairing here. It's basically Ziva, Gibbs, Tony and Abby's feelings after Jenny Shepard passed. Song is "I Will Not Say Goodbye" by Danny Gokey. I didn't do McGee's because I kinda put his in with Abby's. _

* * *

_Sometimes the road just ends_  
_It changes everything you've been_  
_And all that's left to be_  
_Is empty, lonely, broken, hopin'_  
_I'm supposed to be strong_  
_I'm supposed to find a way to carry on_  
_  
_She couldn't take it anymore. Ziva stood up from her desk and stormed out. She walked up the stairs leading towards the Director's office. Not once since she and Tony had gotten back had she shown her feelings, but it was beginning to be too much. The funeral was tomorrow. Her friend's funeral was tomorrow. She opened the unlocked door and walked into Jenny's office. Taking in a deep breath, she walked over to the couch and sat down. She looked around the room slowly. Empty. All of her stuff was still there, but it was still empty. Ziva couldn't help but take some of the blame. She should have forced Tony to stay with Jenny. If only they had, she thought, if only they had followed her, she may not have died. Ziva buried her face in the palms of her hand as the tears broke free from their barrier. Her sobs echoed around the room, only making them louder. She didn't hear the door open or quietly close right after. She laid her head on the arm of the couch as she cried, not even taking notice to the other person in the room. A firm hand laid on her shoulder and as she turned around to lay the mystery man out, his other hand grabbed her wrist. She looked up to see who the mystery man was and almost instantely collapsed on his chest. Gibbs wrapped his arms around Ziva and held her there, rocking her on the couch gently, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"Ziver," he started in a whisper, "Ziver, you can't blame yourself. Nobody can except the bastards who did it."

Ziva looked up at Gibbs, her eyes bloodshot from the tears. "You were not there, Gibbs. You did not see her. You were not the one that was supposed to protect her!" She yelled, grabbing onto Gibbs' jacket. "I was! Tony was! And we let her down! We may as well have put the bullets in her head ourselves!"

Gibbs shook his head and put his hands on Ziva's shoulders, shaking her slightly. "You didn't. Ziva, you didn't do anything wrong. You followed orders. If you and Tony had gone there, there is a chance that you all could be dead too. Jen knew what she was getting into, and it's not your fault or Tony's or anyone's."

Ziva swallowed audibly as she laid her head on Gibbs' chest. "In Cairo, in Cairo there was this explosion. A hotel, and I, I was safe. But I heard Director Shep- Jenny scream. I couldn't leave her there Gibbs!" Gibbs just held her in his arms as she calmed herself down. "I...I could have died Gibbs, but I got her out of there. I still don't know how I managed to do it, but I did." She choked on a sob and whispered the next part. "I loved her Gibbs. And...and she, that night, she...we made love Gibbs." She looked up, expecting to see a look of anger or confusion on Gibbs' face, but instead it was a look of understanding. "But that was the only time, and I truly regret letting her leave. Just like I regret not getting there fast enough and killing those bastards! I could have saved her life again Gibbs! I could have had her again!"

Gibbs said nothing, he just held her in his arms, letting her vent out her emotions in her tears, pretending to stay strong, when in reality, he wanted to be able to do the same thing. But he had to be strong for his team. They couldn't see him broken. So he did. He looked around the office, and even with everything there, there was nothing. It was empty.

_I don't wanna feel better_  
_I don't wanna not remember_  
_I will always see your face_  
_In the shadows of this haunted place_  
_I will laugh_  
_I will cry_  
_Shake my fist at the sky_  
_But I will not say goodbye_

Abby's lab was quiet. No suprise after what had happened. She had be working non-stop since being told what to do, promising the team and herself that this would be her best work ever. That, she adhered to. But the moments that her tears blurred her vision, or that she dropped something did not make for very efficent work. To be expected. If anybody's first reaction was the worst, it was Abby. The poor girl never did well with dealing with her emotions. Just like right now. She was typing something up and a picture of Jenny popped up. The mere glance sent Abby into another sobbing fit. She leaned against the wall and slid down, curling her knees up to her chest. Her sobs were heard outside of the lab by McGee as he got out of the elevator to give Abby more evidence to process. Hearing her crying made McGee only walk faster. He walked into the lab, expecting the tall goth to come out and wrap her arms around him, sobbing into his shoulders. What he did not expect was to see her on the floor of her lab, looking like nothing more than a scared and sad child. He sat the evidence down on the closest table and hurried over to her. He sat down beside her, taking one of her hands in his, running his thumb over the back of it softly. He took his other hand and slid it over her shoulders as she cried.

Abby looked up and reached over, putting her arm around McGee and burying her head in his shoulder, muffling her sobs somewhat. A quiet "I can't do it," was heard from her and McGee lifted her head slowly, shaking his head. "Abbs, don't say that. You've never given up on anything, and the Director wouldn't want you to give up now."

"How do you know what the Director would want McGee? Did you talk to her? Of course you didn't, because you can't! Because she's gone!" Abby stood up out of McGee's grasp, trying to collect herself again, only to lose control again. She leaned down on the table and contined crying. Tim just stood up and put a comforting hand on her back.

"Abby, I know that the Director wouldn't want you to give up because she always taught us to be strong, and now we need to be strong and do this," Abby looked up at him, "for her. For Director Shepard."

Abby nodded, "for Director Shepard." She hugged McGee tightly and turned back to her computer as McGee sat down in the chair next to her to start running some tests. The Director had always liked Abby, and she knew that she would never want her to give up. So she didn't.

_They keep saying time will heal_  
_But the pain just gets more real_  
_The sun comes up each day_  
_Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying_  
_If I can keep on holding on_  
_Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you're gone_

Gibbs sat on the small stool in his basement, a half empty glass of burbon in one hand, and his other in a fist so tight that his knuckles were white. He hadn't felt so many emotions since Shannon and Kelly. It suprised him, how quickly this happened and how hard it hit him. He would not accept that Jenny was gone. But deep down, he knew. And now, in the silent confines of his basement, he could let those feelings loose. He gritted his teeth and stood up, walking around the room, trying to come up with something. Something that would allow him to know what was going on, because he was lost again. Angry, he chucked his glass across the room. It shattered into many pieces on the floor, but Gibbs didn't care. He was too mized up to care about anything. He was angry at DiNozzo for not following Jen. He was angry at himself for opening himself up to someone again. He promised himself that after Shannon and Kelly, he would never get hurt like that again. But here he was, in his basement, hurting just as bad. He was mixed in an array of emotions that he didn't know what to do anymore. Confusion, sadness, pain, anger, all of them swelled around in his heart and he didn't know how to handle it. This time, there were no people to go after. No, Franks had taken care of that. So what was he to do? He was going to have to go into work the next day, and be the same old Gibbs everyone knew, the emotionless rock that everyone went to. He had to be the one that held it together during Jen's funeral whilst Abby sat beside him, holding onto him, crying her eyes out. He had to be the leader. And in silence, that is when he would have to let his feelings out. He sat down on the second to the bottom step and ran his hands through his salt and pepper hair. He could feel the tears start to roll down his cheek. But maybe that's just what he needed, his emotions to be let out in one way or another.

_Cause I don't wanna feel better_  
_I don't wanna not remember_  
_I will always see your face_  
_In the shadows of this haunted place_  
_I will laugh_  
_I will cry_  
_Shake my fist at the sky_  
_But I will not say goodbye_

Tony knew he had fucked up. He should have listened to Ziva. Maybe if he had, the Director would be alive and they wouldn't be stuck with the asshole Vance. He sat in autopsy at Ducky's desk, his stash of whiskey brought out onto the desk. Tony figured that he may as well wash his sorrows down with the cool burn of the alcohol. He had already been told by Ziva that this was not the right way to cope. But it was his way. How else was he to cope with the fact that Director Shepard was dead when he was supposed to be protecting her? He couldn't blame anyone else but himself. It was because of him that she had gotten away. It was because of him that he and Ziva weren't there to kill those motherfuckers as they came in the door. His thoughts were interupted as the door to autopsy was opened and Ducky walked in. He said nothing as he walked over to Tony and sat down on the chair opposite him.

"It's my fault," Tony whispered. "If I hadn't-"

Ducky stopped him there. "If, my dear fellow. If is a rather peculiar word, is it not?" He looked up at DiNozzo's confused expression. "Just imagine, all the 'what if's' or 'If this happened's' in the world were true. 'What if we had killed Hitler before he killed the Jews?' or 'If 9/11 was foiled'. Both good examples of a big change in this world, IF it had happened."

Tony, still confused, shook his head, "Ducky, would you please stop speaking in riddles and get to the damn point?"

"My point, Tony, is that everything happens for a reason, and I firmly believe that. But if we spend our time thinking of how things would be different if something else happened, then we'd be wasting our time on nothing, because no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the past." Ducky patted Tony's knee softly. "Director Shepard would not want you wasting your time, no no definately not. She would want you looking towards the future, never forgetting about her of course, but not greiving either," and with that, Ducky took a swig of the whiskey and turned around, leaving Tony in the room to think.

He knew Ducky was right. He had to get over this. He had to stop thinking of things being different, because there was no way they could change. The only thing that he could do was keep the Director's fighting spirit in his heart, and continue to do his job.

_I will curse_  
_I will pray_  
_I'll relive everyday_  
_I will shelter the blame_  
_I'll shout out your name  
__I will laugh_  
_I will cry_  
_Shake my fist at the sky_  
_But I will not say_  
_Will not say goodbye_  
_I will not say goodbye_

She was gone. Nobody could bring her back. And as much as they hated to, everyone had to accept it. There would be those times of anger, there would be times of sadness, and there would be a lot of "what if's", but as much as they fought and argued, Jenny wasn't coming back, and they just had to accept it. Tony would eventually stop blaming himself. Abby would stop letting little things surrounding her get to her. Ziva would stop thinking of what could have been, and start thinking of what is now. And Gibbs, Gibbs would still be the same hard shell, but a bit easier to get through to. Though she wasn't with them in person, she'd always be with them in their hearts. She would never be gone and they would never say goodbye.


End file.
